MMXVII

I am sorry,
Sorry that I blamed you for the shadows that crept through your beautiful
Crawled in and overpowered you, draining your happiness and joy.
Shadows that took possession of what you were and made you into something else.
The black that filled your cheeks with aloe and covered your mouth with petals.
This lavender scented lie that confined you.
When you had faith in better and better turned for worse,
When you held relationships dearly and watched them crumble at your fingertips.
Now your fingertips are lined with dirt, hands dry with life. I apologise.
You deserved to know it was not you who were to blame for the shadow that would cross your heart and held you hostage.
It would echo sad lyrics into your temple and the most sacred thoughts would continue to haunt you.
I am asking you to tap those pressure points harder, to say these words louder, to feel the release of everything.
As this black cloud turns light grey and eventually fades away,
Know it is because it was protecting you, but tell it you do not need protecting any longer.
Visualise it there, number it from one to ten and then visualise it again, this time gone.
I am sorry that you ever felt you could not return to you, the sweet memories so far behind that they almost no longer reside.
Dig and you will find, because you deserve to return.
I am sorry that you did not connect the dots of your past that made your present, and that you lived to believe this was all it was going to be.
Something is coming, and it is the fruitage of all you are about to do.
I am sorry it didn’t come sooner, but maybe this is the time.
Time for you to appreciate the metal bars you thought would never break
Time for you to plant flowers elsewhere, let the petals fall onto cracks in pavements instead of on the crack in your lips.
I apologise for this, for every emotion I did not let you honour and every emotion that I did. This is what healing feels like, it is a process that the skin takes no time to begin, yet is foreign to the cuts and the scars within.
So here it is, the first step, to apologise…
Dear me, I am sorry but I am learning how to love you,
I am learning what was hurting you and I am joining you in the healing.
Dear me, I have gone back out into the ocean, with a different perspective, hoping to end this.
Dear me, I know you do not celebrate new years, but you celebrate new.
This is to stripping off what was old and used.
Dear me, I know you are scared and anxious but I will not create any more clouds
I will not create any more bars to protect you
I promise I will let you fight your way through.
Dear me, Dear you… I am sorry.