But it hurts too much.
Every time it’s like saying goodbye all over again.
I crave control. But all I do is let go of me.
Every time it’s like falling in deep.
It’s like another lonely night and another busy day. Hoping to ease the pain.
I’m sorry but I feel like this again.
Like it’s all about me and my hurt. Me and all of my loss. And that is selfish. And that is not what I wish to be.
So I’m sorry.
You tried to tell me long ago. To be free. I was too stubborn to hear because I already felt too much inside to leave.
But now I believe, that I don’t have a choice.
I can’t answer you. I can’t keep answering you. Giving you my favourite words for it to be blocked and held up with everyone else you can’t find the courage to see today. You are right, you have all these keys… all these options. I do not. I will not be anywhere else at 1pm or 7.25pm Thursdays and Sundays. Searching for a seat that holds you. Because I need that. And that is all I have. And I’m sorry.
Because no one person deserves the kind of love that I have to give. I’m learning this.
It’s too much pressure. So forget about me and my words. Forget about me and anything else that pops into your mind when you hear my name.
I can’t continue this way for only you know how long. And the mystery of time kills me. You need this and I’ll be selfish not to. See I could live holding you every day but that’s just eventually going to push you more away. So I know my place. You made it clear. I’ll find my way then I’ll meet you there.
I couldn’t read you this, I couldn’t explain this to you. But I think you’ll understand, that these words are all I have got.
I’m sorry. Lo siento. Adios.
X Eli Oko – 17/10/17