I was looking everywhere I could possibly search for a human interaction that had value and sustenance. I looked high and I looked low. It took decades of calling out for a purpose within the wrong people.
One boy told me once that he knew we were like adrift boats and would always find our way back to each other. I spoke to the same boy now a man a year ago and his voice no longer held the hope I always allowed him to hold for me. Another man once said to me that I ruined his life, because his truth found him and he was too scared to stare it square in the face. To this date I am so thankful that I looked in the mirror and decided to make changes because I didn’t like what I saw. I don’t remember when or how, but ever since then I have been looking. I know not where to find him, but I know where to find myself and that is all that matters now. Especially as I was once told that I would never find someone like him ever again, this guy who I still believe is just as sure of himself as he was all those years ago. He has taught me the finest lesson in life. The ‘me’ that deserved someone like him years ago, no longer exists. Because I grew and my strength both mentally and spiritually has outgrown the body he once held hostage. So he was right, the person he saw in front of him would never have found something more, but the person that stands now, is more.
I still have so much growth to do and I always craved someone to see that potential growth and give me room to do just that. I made a promise to my soulmate friend – that whatever growing we still needed to make and through all the changes that are still to come, despite our differences and sharp edges at times – we will vouch for each others growth. We will encourage each others uniqueness, we will be and exist and journey through the unknown future of where becoming ‘self’ is still yet to take us. And whether that be together or apart. It was for eternity.
The lesson I share with you all is that sometimes we think we can control what shade and shape tomorrow comes in, we try to force our human interactions and mould them into something that they may never have been created to mimic. And we decode the translations of the unspoken into the very words we hope to hear. But truthfully, life and love and loss happens all without our direction, all without our instruction. We are not to guide it into our hearts but rather let it be, let it breathe, let it free to roam about within. You will find yourself, at a time you knew not where or even how to look. There is where you are to be found.
Sorry that I didn’t narrate you through this journey from the beginning but I hope you have interpreted through my subconscious that we have been en-route from the very beginning. I hope if not now then maybe soon you will hear something or feel something that will change how you see today, tomorrow and whatever comes after.
And I promise to you, no matter what I become through this, my deepest love for who you have been to me Pollito will carry us through. Because our days are not numbered. Eternity never expires and forever is where we begin.
x Eli Oko x