Thursday 31st August 2017
How are you?
I’ve missed you.
I’m writing today (25/09/2017) because it is a special day. In fact it has been a special year. I realised something. I am struggling to decide whether I should publish my book “Works From A White Room Volume I” for a few reasons, some I’ll share today.
Reason #1: I no longer own a white room.
You see moving homes meant I had to leave a number of pieces of me in my past and it seemed like an okay idea at the time. Looking forward only because I had confidence. I had a good friend by me all the way and the move was successful I felt, until now. The change was in full motion and then I just lost control it seems. So a book written with the blood, sweat and tears I no longer possess just feelt empty. I feel that only you understand what I say. So here I am sharing with you, as always.
Reason #2: I am not angry anymore.
The book was written with so much bitterness. And a few other emotions. Feelings I no longer feel. Many of the individual stories that my book contained was based on sentiments I wasn’t ready to leave behind. Truth is, I think I never learned to love some of those people any less. I just learned to love someone even more, that is the truth. And that’s why I am telling you.
Reason #3: You’re new to my stories.
You see you’re new and so that means you are not in these stories. And I can’t imagine publishing something that is supposed to tell my story but doesn’t include some of my favourite pages. Problem is I can’t just add you in. Because you don’t fit. And that is why I’m letting you know this.
Reason #4: I feel the colour purple.
Unlike ever before I have an emotion to put to purple. The only word that can represent it is “loss”. This empty hole inside, a bottomless void that can’t be filled. And that is why I can’t simply add you. You are poetry I can’t just write – I must live. You have probably had a friendship like this before. You know how this likely ends but I never have. And although I have lived through many colours, purple is new to me. I could never before understand purple. You gave it meaning. Memories I’ll never forget, valuable – rare. I think you’ll appreciate this moment, although separate, we still share.
Reason #5: because you are not here.
And something as amazing as publishing my first book must be shared with you. I can’t imagine you not being there when the first draft comes back. Or my first order goes through. But we’ll have all the more to celebrate, as we embark on something new.
Honestly I think I’ll publish it, in hope you make it to the very end. And celebrate the difference you made in your soulmate friend.
Reason #6: six months.
Even with your silence, you help me straighten out my thoughts. I’m more happy now, for you.
I read your words “behind the pixels”. Speak soon.