How are you?
I’ve missed you. I’m writing today because it’s a special day. It’s been a special year to be fair. I realised something. I’m struggling to publish my book “Works From A White Room” for a few reasons, some I’ll share today.
Reason #1: I no longer own a white room.
You see moving homes meant I had to leave a number of pieces of me in my past and it seemed like an okay idea at the time. Looking forward only because I had confidence. I had a good friend by me all the way and the move was successful I felt, until now. The change was in full motion and then I just lost control it seems. So a book written with the blood, sweat and tears I no longer possess just feels empty. I felt that only you would understand what I mean. So here I am sharing with you, as always.
Reason #2: I am not angry anymore.
The book was written with so much bitterness. And a few other emotions. Feelings I no longer feel. Many of the individual stories that my book contained was based on sentiments I wasn’t ready to leave behind. Truth is, I think I never learned to love some of those people any less. I just learned to love someone even more. And that’s why I am telling you.
Reason #3: You’re new to my stories.
You see you’re new and so that means you are not in these stories. And I can’t imagine publishing something that is supposed to tell my story but it doesn’t include some of my favourite pages. Problem is I can’t just add you in. Because you don’t fit. And that is why I’m letting you know this.
Reason #4: I feel the colour purple.
Unlike ever before I have an emotion to put to purple. The only word that can match it is “loss”. This empty hole inside, a bottomless void that can’t be filled. And that is why I can’t simply add you. You are poetry I can’t just write – I must live. You have probably had a friendship like this before. You know how this likely ends but I have never. And although I have lived through many colours… purple is new to me. I could never before understand purple. You gave it meaning. It’s true I’ve written to you many times about my complex feelings. However I think you’ll appreciate this one more than ever. tal vez.
Reason #5: because you’re not here.
And something as amazing as publishing my first book must be shared with you. I can’t even imagine you not being there when the first draft comes back. Or my first order goes through (likely my mum, dad, or Greta). Honestly I think it’s because I know you’re the only one who reads this still. And I needed to talk to someone who understands.
Reason #6: six months.
Well, that’s everything off my chest. Just something I needed to write. After realising the power of purple I read my poem “Colourful Decades” again and realised… I believed in all the wrong things all my life.
My mum said you know you’ve always had good friendships … do you know the difference with this one?
I said, yes. This time, this friend equally loves me back.
Goodnight x speak soon