Can I share this with you…

Secrecy wears her hair up so that the fluids don’t get tangled in her roots. She bends her happiness over the laps of others hoping to be comforted or at least to find silence in her teardrops that puddle below. It’s the vicious cycle of words, some with meaning, and no meaning with some. It was the familiar taste of home that perfumed her smile. Little did I notice the sacrifice she made with her own memories. Wearing them on her head like a crown. Thorns and thistles woven into it. We are like the makeshift doors covering the truth. But the truth hurts and the promises we make to keep them are as heavy as the buds on our tongues. Like the people we miss, and hope to see, the strong scent of tomorrow lingered and faded, we became nothing but silent daydreamers, with no dreams. We became, together, and there began the long list of unusual behaviour. Smile I thought, they can see your sadness. But not even the dimples that usually bore holes into my face could surface. “Just like your dad” I thought… define “dad” I thought. Would he wish to play superhero and rescue me? Was every girls fairy tale, every repunzels knight, truly their father? I never knew and I wouldn’t ever know… smile I thought? He can see your sadness. His handshake reminded me that as much as they would like to fill my void, emptiness has become its filler. And he asked me to remember, and I have only prayed to forget. So as dates fly into my head because ‘soon’ can’t come quick enough. Smile I thought. Everyone can see your sadness. And she said “is it really that bad?”, that made me realise that I have been living my sadness in so much silence. I have been closing my eyes so that I could see. I have been, so that I can continue to be. Now with no smile, I notice it is a conversation that we need to have because I have failed to stay hidden and everyone can see. My sadness is taking over me.

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