I will bury my thoughts in liquids of fire
And as they burn
I wIll distract myself with thoughts of the future
Perhaps brighter, Perhaps lighter
What can I truly say?
Can I pretend that Thursday doesn’t scare me?
Can I pretend that there are no mountains to climb?
In life, there are mountains
There are pathways, there are choices
There are expressions that escape me
Maybe I am just tongue tied
Yes, I am living, living to survive
I think I am in need of more faith
What is the price I have paid?
As hopeless as it sounds
I see a silver lining to these grey clouds beyond me
I feel the pull of something greater giving me the reason to exist
And that is it.
I expected to be alone
Alone in my thoughts and feelings
Drowning in theories and their meanings
I know it sounds negative but I honestly believed that nothing good should belong to me
I do not believe in karma or destiny
But I sense it is near to me
I believe that it decides for me
That another person’s smile has more value than mine
I stand unworthy of happiness in destiny’s eyes
I still see a light
Revealing to me, occasionally, not always but mostly
The reality behind my illusions,
What do you make of my qualities?
See, He sees the good in me and I grow
Strength beyond what is normal
I still fight
I am still forgiven
I trust a little too freely
I see him for the things he isn’t
And I break myself to heal others
Now I don’t feel pain
When searching for words I find nothing
I believe there are opportunities for me to gain
But I need to tell myself it is worth the strain
Do I know myself?
I think I know myself
When I give, I am happy
But that is all.
I am not expecting to receive anything
If it comes I am thankful
I hope that my appreciation for this gift is evident
It is hard to see what people see in me and the value they have given it
I can see the affect I have on others
And now before Thursday
I am forced to face it
I can not be stuck for much longer
I need to change to see the changes.
Under any circumstance, I must
To protect me, as selfish as it may be
I tried to have it all
And now I am left with options which means something will have to fall
How do I lose what I do not even call mine?
I can gain so much if I do what is right
So the truth is like a race
I choose to persevere and cross the line
It takes time to pour things out
When your mother tongue is tied
Spilled thoughts before Thursday
Are things I wish I never had to write.
“Why is it dark when I close my eyes?”
“Because that is when you truly learn to feel.”