Before Thursday – 2:07am

Before Thursday

I will bury my thoughts in liquids of fire

And as they burn

I wIll distract myself with thoughts of the future

Perhaps brighter, Perhaps lighter

What can I truly say?

Can I pretend that Thursday doesn’t scare me?

Can I pretend that there are no mountains to climb?

In life, there are mountains

There are pathways, there are choices

There are expressions that escape me

Maybe I am just tongue tied

Yes, I am living, living to survive

I think I am in need of more faith

What is the price I have paid?

As hopeless as it sounds

I see a silver lining to these grey clouds beyond me

I feel the pull of something greater giving me the reason to exist

And that is it.

Before Thursday

I expected to be alone

Alone in my thoughts and feelings

Drowning in theories and their meanings

I know it sounds negative but I honestly believed that nothing good should belong to me

I do not believe in karma or destiny

But I sense it is near to me

I believe that it decides for me

That another person’s smile has more value than mine

I stand unworthy of happiness in destiny’s eyes

I still see a light

Heavenward,

Revealing to me, occasionally, not always but mostly

The reality behind my illusions,

My confusions

What do you make of my qualities?

See, He sees the good in me and I grow

Strength beyond what is normal

I still fight

I am still forgiven

I trust a little too freely

I see him for the things he isn’t

And I break myself to heal others

Now I don’t feel pain

When searching for words I find nothing

I believe there are opportunities for me to gain

But I need to tell myself it is worth the strain

I wonder,

Do I know myself?

I think I know myself

When I give, I am happy

But that is all.

I am not expecting to receive anything

If it comes I am thankful

I hope that my appreciation for this gift is evident

It is hard to see what people see in me and the value they have given it

I can see the affect I have on others

And now before Thursday

I am forced to face it

I can not be stuck for much longer

I need to change to see the changes.

Under any circumstance, I must

To protect me, as selfish as it may be

I tried to have it all

And now I am left with options which means something will have to fall

How do I lose what I do not even call mine?

I can gain so much if I do what is right

So the truth is like a race

I choose to persevere and cross the line

It takes time to pour things out

When your mother tongue is tied

Spilled thoughts before Thursday

Are things I wish I never had to write.

 

“Why is it dark when I close my eyes?”

“Because that is when you truly learn to feel.”

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