Today by Eli Oko

I have so much on my mind

That I feel myself crawling into a ball

And just wishing to dissapear

On this day, I wish I could easily say

I am away

Or I am not here today

I am, just not here today.

I would like to be anywhere else but here today

I think there is no better way to say it than

It is like,

I never expected it to be me today

I just don’t want to be, me, today.

The me that I am today, is not the way it is supposed to be

I have watched myself in so many different scenarios

Figuring out how to cope with this

But every single time it is worse

I think I just want to feel like it doesn’t matter

That it never worked out for me

And that everyone else, every single person, was fine

If my life was a statistic it would be that

1 in every 5 couples mess up,

They don’t succeed

1 in every 5 friendships are written off as lost

1 in every love you have ever had will tear you to pieces

Leaving you to be fed on by the birds

Birds, that is a funny thing

You see because like birds you will feel like you are on cloud 9

Until it is time to feel nothing

And right now I feel like nothing

I feel like my heart has been stepped on

1000 times, numb

I feel tingling sensations where his fingers have caressed my thoughts

Just to remind me

But not enough to give me, enough

I read somewhere once that when we yawn it is because our brain needs air

And so we yawn in order for our brains to, in effect, gasp for air

The same way that my brain needs air

Today, I feel I need you

But

I went to sleep yawning, and I woke up yawning, and now I do not need to yawn

But

I went to sleep wanting and needing you, and I woke up wanting and needing you

Now I think, I will die wanting and needing you, today.

I wanted to be confident today

Basically not be, me

Basically be someone that will make them all turn around and say

See, she is doing okay today

Be someone who put time and effort into today

Someone who looked nice and said

I am okay, today.

But the truth is, the day came too quick

I am without everything I should be with

So, I am not okay today

They ask, are you upset that you were not invited to here

Or here

Or that you won’t be there

And I say, no,

Less opportunities for me to feel awkward

Less opportunities for me to want to sink into black holes

Less opportunities, just less opportunities to dwell

On the fact that I had less opporutnities than these girls

I do not want to cry today

But these tears are more than I can hold

They are weighing me down like oceans inside of me

Connected together they are deeper than deep blue seas.

I need to be free of this pain

I wonder if today he feels the same

I wonder if today he is writing down words

I wonder if today he has tears rolling down his face

Or is he too busy

Too busy to stop and think about the way he has hurt me today

Not because it is his day, it is not his day

But rather because it will never be our day

I just think today should have been a day for us to say, wow,

I can’t wait for our day

Just to be able to say this is something we are working towards

Or working for

I did not even get a chance to say

He stopped me before I could say.

I just don’t want to live today

I guess I just do not want to live today

If living means having to step up and be the bigger person

Because everyone will know you were not there

Because everyone will know that it was because

He was

I am trying to tell myself it is not because he is, but it is

It is, because he is

And I can not take that fact away

That he will be walking down the isle today,

Not for him , that is okay, but still

I should be able to say

One day

You will be at the bottom of that isle and I will be walking towards you

And you will smile

And I will smile

And they will smile

And say, do you remember the day

He walked down the isle when someone else was being given away

And I said, that will be them some day.

Who will be holding your arm? I guess,

I am wondering will she look better in that dress

Than I will ever look

I wonder if everyone else would stare at me and say, wow,

What happened to her?

If tears fall from their eyes

And they are surprised that they feel so much inside

And they start to cry

And then I start to cry

Will they wonder why

Will they wonder why

Will they say, it is not because of what she has seen today

But because of everything she has lost on every other day

It is because of the pain she feels in every other way, than what she sees today.

I wont cry

Like every film I watch, I always cry if I see something that brings tears to my eyes

If I feel something that relates to something in my life

If I wanted to cry, I just cry

But today, I am a spectator

I can not even wipe my eye because they will question why

I cant even sniff because that gives of the scent that it is too much for me

Does he know that this is too much for me?

I hate words.

I hate knowing the words to put to this pain

I hate hearing it back again

And then writing it down for all to feel the same

I hate knowing that these are my true emotions and I cant hide from them

And he can have feelings stored up inside for life

And he will never hide from them

In fact he will never accept them or respect them

He will just move on

And I guess that is great for him

And he is going to look handsome today,

And I guess that is great for him

He is going to be happy and he is going to dance and eat and be merry

And I guess that is great, for him

I wish the best for him

But that is not great for me

I just know that all will see the pain on my face

That I am unsure if I want to let slip away from me

I tried to express how I felt

So that you could understand why I still lay in my bed

Running through my options.

Is it possible for me not to be on earth today?

Is it possible for a black hole to swallow me whole?

Is it possible that I could have such a good reason, it just makes sense?

You do not understand,

Today will be horrible,

Today, will be horrible.

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