I have so much on my mind
That I feel myself crawling into a ball
And just wishing to dissapear
On this day, I wish I could easily say
I am away
Or I am not here today
I am, just not here today.
I would like to be anywhere else but here today
I think there is no better way to say it than
It is like,
I never expected it to be me today
I just don’t want to be, me, today.
The me that I am today, is not the way it is supposed to be
I have watched myself in so many different scenarios
Figuring out how to cope with this
But every single time it is worse
I think I just want to feel like it doesn’t matter
That it never worked out for me
And that everyone else, every single person, was fine
If my life was a statistic it would be that
1 in every 5 couples mess up,
They don’t succeed
1 in every 5 friendships are written off as lost
1 in every love you have ever had will tear you to pieces
Leaving you to be fed on by the birds
Birds, that is a funny thing
You see because like birds you will feel like you are on cloud 9
Until it is time to feel nothing
And right now I feel like nothing
I feel like my heart has been stepped on
1000 times, numb
I feel tingling sensations where his fingers have caressed my thoughts
Just to remind me
But not enough to give me, enough
I read somewhere once that when we yawn it is because our brain needs air
And so we yawn in order for our brains to, in effect, gasp for air
The same way that my brain needs air
Today, I feel I need you
But
I went to sleep yawning, and I woke up yawning, and now I do not need to yawn
But
I went to sleep wanting and needing you, and I woke up wanting and needing you
Now I think, I will die wanting and needing you, today.
I wanted to be confident today
Basically not be, me
Basically be someone that will make them all turn around and say
See, she is doing okay today
Be someone who put time and effort into today
Someone who looked nice and said
I am okay, today.
But the truth is, the day came too quick
I am without everything I should be with
So, I am not okay today
They ask, are you upset that you were not invited to here
Or here
Or that you won’t be there
And I say, no,
Less opportunities for me to feel awkward
Less opportunities for me to want to sink into black holes
Less opportunities, just less opportunities to dwell
On the fact that I had less opporutnities than these girls
I do not want to cry today
But these tears are more than I can hold
They are weighing me down like oceans inside of me
Connected together they are deeper than deep blue seas.
I need to be free of this pain
I wonder if today he feels the same
I wonder if today he is writing down words
I wonder if today he has tears rolling down his face
Or is he too busy
Too busy to stop and think about the way he has hurt me today
Not because it is his day, it is not his day
But rather because it will never be our day
I just think today should have been a day for us to say, wow,
I can’t wait for our day
Just to be able to say this is something we are working towards
Or working for
I did not even get a chance to say
He stopped me before I could say.
I just don’t want to live today
I guess I just do not want to live today
If living means having to step up and be the bigger person
Because everyone will know you were not there
Because everyone will know that it was because
He was
I am trying to tell myself it is not because he is, but it is
It is, because he is
And I can not take that fact away
That he will be walking down the isle today,
Not for him , that is okay, but still
I should be able to say
One day
You will be at the bottom of that isle and I will be walking towards you
And you will smile
And I will smile
And they will smile
And say, do you remember the day
He walked down the isle when someone else was being given away
And I said, that will be them some day.
Who will be holding your arm? I guess,
I am wondering will she look better in that dress
Than I will ever look
I wonder if everyone else would stare at me and say, wow,
What happened to her?
If tears fall from their eyes
And they are surprised that they feel so much inside
And they start to cry
And then I start to cry
Will they wonder why
Will they wonder why
Will they say, it is not because of what she has seen today
But because of everything she has lost on every other day
It is because of the pain she feels in every other way, than what she sees today.
I wont cry
Like every film I watch, I always cry if I see something that brings tears to my eyes
If I feel something that relates to something in my life
If I wanted to cry, I just cry
But today, I am a spectator
I can not even wipe my eye because they will question why
I cant even sniff because that gives of the scent that it is too much for me
Does he know that this is too much for me?
I hate words.
I hate knowing the words to put to this pain
I hate hearing it back again
And then writing it down for all to feel the same
I hate knowing that these are my true emotions and I cant hide from them
And he can have feelings stored up inside for life
And he will never hide from them
In fact he will never accept them or respect them
He will just move on
And I guess that is great for him
And he is going to look handsome today,
And I guess that is great for him
He is going to be happy and he is going to dance and eat and be merry
And I guess that is great, for him
I wish the best for him
But that is not great for me
I just know that all will see the pain on my face
That I am unsure if I want to let slip away from me
I tried to express how I felt
So that you could understand why I still lay in my bed
Running through my options.
Is it possible for me not to be on earth today?
Is it possible for a black hole to swallow me whole?
Is it possible that I could have such a good reason, it just makes sense?
You do not understand,
Today will be horrible,
Today, will be horrible.
